i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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