we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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