I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
