I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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