I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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