So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
