I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
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