he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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