Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize