Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
