I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
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