I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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