my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
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You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
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I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.