Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades