wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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