I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
