forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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