Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
