She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
