Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
