I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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