Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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