So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
