Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
not ubering you a puppy
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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