I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
