I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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