Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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