Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
