I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
