There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
