you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
