Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
