3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Randomize
