my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
