She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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