Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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