He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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