note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My pussy is not your playground.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I will pee on everything he values.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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