Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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