u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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