I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I need to calm my uterus...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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