I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
