Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
