I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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