Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
