i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
