you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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