Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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