You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
