Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
