I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
