So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
