Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
