So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize
