dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
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Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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