so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
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We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
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Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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