Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So vagazzling was a success
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
