Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
