Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize